The Past Few Weeks

I wasn't even going to write about the past few weeks, because they've been really hard and all too personal. However, I feel compelled to share some of the experiences we have had as a family and how they've helped me as an individual.

On Sunday, Sept. 7th Elizabeth Mae Jenks joined our little family. I'll write a more detailed post on that later :)

On Monday we left the hospital and my mom flew out to help us for the first few days as we adjusted to a new little one. David also started his Masters program and fellowship the Tuesday after Lizzie was born; lots of good changes all at once!

In that first week I experienced some "baby blues", but for the most part I was excited and happy for the new adventures that were unfolding for our family. 

When my mom left after a few days I cried, because, WHAT THE HECK. How on earth does one endure a two year old and a newborn?? But the overwhelming feeling I had subsided quickly. I couldn't help but feel confident in my skills as a mom, and although I knew the adjustment would be hard, I knew I could do it.

The following day, Sunday the 14th, everything changed. I woke up and how I felt is hard to describe, but I'll try anyway. Imagine living in a dark, hazy, almost tangible cloud of fog. I had post-partum depression with Joey and the feeling was all too familiar this time around.

I cried almost constantly that Sunday. I knew that I needed help so I made an appointment with the doctor on Monday, Sept. 15th.

It was on the way home from that appointment that we got in our car accident. We were stopped in traffic and were hit pretty hard from behind. In the moments before we were hit, David looked in the rear view mirror and said, "oh crap, oh crap!". Then we felt the impact. I remember grabbing David's hand, and screaming, "My babies! My babies!". I looked back at Joey. He looked surprised but okay. David and I jumped out of the car almost immediately. I checked on Lizzie. She was crying but also seemed fine.

The accident happened at 3:30pm. After a ride in an ambulance, and a long stay in the ER we got home that night at 9:30ish. 

The next day was filled with lots of pain and paperwork, and caring for a newborn and a two year old. I had help from David's sisters, but by Tuesday evening my post partum depression took a major turn for the worse. In the words of Elder Holland, "I took a psychic blow that was as unanticipated as it was real"*. I guess under all of that pressure, something had to give.

In a matter of days I went from being a confident mom who knew she could do it, to really believing I COULD NOT DO IT. I felt like maybe it would be easier just to disappear altogether. 

After lots of prayer, David and I decided the best option was to send me and the kids to my parents home where I could have the constant care and attention that I so desperately needed.

After talking with my parents, my mom flew out to Washington again and then she and I flew back to Utah together with the kids. Leaving David was the hardest thing I've ever done.

We've been here for two weeks now. One week ago Joey's MRSA that he had at nine months old came back. I knew what it was right away so we started the treatment much earlier on than we did then. This time, however, he had an allergic reaction to the antibiotic used to treat MRSA which came with a rash/hives and a fever of 103 degrees. 

The past few weeks have been a challenge, to say the least. But amidst all of the seemingly bad and really challenging things that are happening for our family right now, I've been blessed with perspective. Here are a few of the things I've learned:

1) The power of the Atonement of Jesus is Christ is very real. In fact, it's more real to me now than it has ever been before. Through the enabling power of the Atonement I now know that I CAN DO ANYTHING, even especially hard things that I never thought I could do.

2) A cheerful attitude does a world of good in any situation. One of my favorite scriptures is Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 "Let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed". The phrase "come what may and love it" has new meaning in my life.

3) It is okay to ask for help. I'm a stubborn person so admitting I need help and asking for it isn't something I do often. But I've learned that when I need help, Heavenly Father actually wants me to ask for it! For one thing it gives other people the opportunity to serve. I find comfort in knowing that even though right now I need to be helped (a lot), someday I'll get to be the helper.

4) There's something to be thankful for every day. I'm eternally grateful that our lives were spared in that car accident, especially the life of our then one week old daughter. I'm also incredibly thankful for all of the help that has been offered to me recently, most notably the help my parents have offered. They've stayed up with me during really long nights and encouraged me to sleep when they've needed a nap just as much. They've arranged medical care for Joey, and helped care for both of the kids when I simply could not do it all alone.

I have hope that in a couple of weeks I will be well enough to go home to David. This little family of ours needs to be reunited! We love and miss David like crazy and we know he is lonely without us there too. 

It's been a hard few weeks. Thank you everyone, for all of your prayers on behalf of our family at such a difficult time. We have certainly felt the strength and support of friends and family members, near and far.

I'm sure David and I will have more struggles and trials in our lifetime together, but through all of this we've developed immense hope for our future and everything it holds. 

*Like a Broken Vessel, Jeffery R. Holland